Getting High on Life!

Strolling with the sunset at Damai Laut

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If you’re a pot smoking dude or a pot smoking old hippie dude, do I have great news for you in the city! Since Sharina and I are NOT pot smoking dudes or pot smoking old hippies, it wasn’t really the place for us. For instance, you know what gets me high these days? Seeing my youngest taking his first steps or saying his first words. You know what else would get me high? It works on many levels -first it is exactly what you are doing now - linking, discovering and sharing, maybe even when you should be working!

Impatience, Anger, and Frustration

Impatience, Anger, and Frustration. Things that are just hugely, hugely pissing me off today. This week is only about to begin and my body is already waving a white flag. The only thing more beat down than my flesh and bone right now is my conscience. I haven’t been able to keep up with my work schedule in and out of the office.

Sometimes I wish I didn’t think about all the negative consequences of my actions. Some days I wish I could just be blissfully ignorant and go about my day not caring about toxins or working conditions or environmental degradation. I wish I could just leave my empty plastic bottle on the floor and just not care. Of course, that’s not my style. When I really think about it I know that I’m better off for caring, and hopefully I’m making some sort of positive impact, even in my very imperfect way.

Losing Gracefully

Handling a big win is easy; all you do is smile, thank the people who helped you and refrain from rubbing it in the loser’s face. However, to lose gracefully requires exceptional strength of character.

No young child likes to lose at a game. But there are some for whom not winning or not getting their way is a trigger for a tantrum or a pout. They'll storm off if their friends won't let them be the captain of the fantasy pirate ship. They'll knock over the checkerboard or walk away with the basketball if they're losing a game.

A certain amount of this behavior is normal and reflects a child's stage of development. Toddlers and preschoolers, for example, don't yet have the words to express the intense emotions they feel. They're also experimenting with ways to handle their frustration and desire for control. They find it hard to lose for the same reason they find it hard to share toys with other children.

We expect to see a shift in this attitude by the time children are in elementary school. Unfortunately, that doesn't always happen. Researchers have found that older children and adults who are sore losers worry about what others think of them if they don't win, or feel that winning is what makes them good people. (Interestingly, this confusion of doing something good with being someone who is good is typical of how toddlers think.)

September Glory

The sky and the earth meet in so many ways. For instance, where the sea disappears or where the sun slips behind the trees on the hill. Another place I find the sky and the earth come together is in the mediation of the alamandar bloom. It has ventured tendrils from its small start last april and now holds furled celebrations, which it releases for each day in September. Held in timelapse consciousness, each bloom’s emergence and all of them together have the amusing appearance of tops unwinding, flaring, slowing, falling, in on itself, failing, wilting, waiting, drying, fall off…

Ouchhhhhhhhhhhhh........

Dynasty Hotel view of the Twin-Towers with the cloud passing by.

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WARNING…EXTREMELY DISTURBING CONTENT COMING UP. PLEASE DON’T READ NOR BE OFFENDED IF YOU DO READ. JUST A WARNING YOU NOW. THANK YOU.

So I got into my office as always and I had to do my routine “duty”.

Well imagine my surprise when I walk into the washroom and immediately am greeted by a foul and unpleasant order (obscure Seinfeld reference for you there, 100 points if you can guess the scene). I opened the washroom's door and saw this large black piece of shit “dry-docked” in the toilet (meaning above the waterline for those who need a visual). The water was yellow and apparently whoever left behind their mess didn’t bother to flush.

It was disgusting and appalling. I nearly threw up and turned to leave immediately. But then of course the blogger in me kicked in so I decided to share with you how disgusting this was.

I held my nose as I took the picture on my mobile phone (just the thought but I didn't) but I ran out of there as fast as possible. Suddenly my urge to go was completely gone. The craziest part was how whoever took the shit got it to come out of their ass sideways? Seriously…that’s really crazy. And how they managed to get it dry-docked is beyond me. Actually there is some traces of shit on the bowl so they literally must have been forward in the seat.

I wonder what this guy could’ve eaten to create such a thick and dense piece of shit. I mean it must’ve hurt like hell trying to push that through. Well…… Life is like that!

Lazy Thinking

Why are so many people such lazy thinkers? To me, it's easy to blindly accept something as true - reasoning it out is a whole different story. Take the time out to do more research instead of using emotions to filter out what you read and hear about. If you find yourself passionately for or against something, look carefully at your beliefs - can they face the light of facts? Oh, I better hope I did not make a typo or the lazy thinkers who graduate from college today will ask for a discount on the entire argument.

Under My Umbrella.

It’s been raining for what feels like a week straight. I don’t really mind getting wet, in fact it can be quite nice catching some sprinkles heading to the car or walking in the pasar Ramadan in the evening. The thing that gets to me is that for it to rain the sun has to go away, which is fine for a day or two. Not a week. My mental state isn’t the topic of this post though; it’s to share with you my thoughts - why do we sleep better when it rains?

I came up with this answer. Let us share a fine tuned sense of hearing, it almost borders on hyper sensitive. Our sensitivity to sudden loud noises will probably lessen with age. So why would sensitive hearing help me sleep in the rain?

As the rain falls it taps on every part of the house, the cars outside, the street, the trees, it taps on everything. And I hear a lot of tapping! I myself find this comforting because I become more aware of my surroundings by taking in all the tapping, it’s sort of like a 3D sonic reading of the area. This seems to satisfy some sort of primal instinct in me to be aware of my surroundings before I let my guard down and fall asleep. And if I feel safe, I sleep better.

I am sure that if I was sleeping more during these past sun-free week I would be very well rested.

Feeling Guilty

Harum Sedap Malam (my backyard) - Nikon pic.

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One of the feelings which some of us experience is guilt. Strangely enough, the more a person is developed and the more they love and the care, the more they might experience guilt.

Guilt and shame are two different things. Shame is the uncomfortable feeling we might have that we might get caught out for what we have done. We might not care whether it was right or wrong. But we do care whether anyone knows about it or not.

On the other hand guilt has to do with right and wrong. It is not so much a matter of what others might think but what we ourselves think. We have gone astray from our own standards and we experience difficulty coming to terms with this.

Other emotions can be tied up with guilt. We are angry with another because of what we have done! We are angry at ourselves for what we have done. We may as a result feel very sad.

Related to guilt is forgiveness, of ourselves or of others. Forgiveness means to stop blaming or being angry at another for what they have done. It also means to free ourselves or others from an obligation. Not-forgiving is clearly a way of self destruction. Giving up hating or blaming can make us feel a lot better. Some people find it easier to forgive themselves or others when they realize that forgiveness does not mean thinking that what they or the other did was right. When we forgive we still think that what was done was wrong, but we give up punishing ourselves by holding a grudge for what we or another did. We release the bond and let the event go.

May the month of Ramadan brings us forgiveness!

Morning View – Nothing to do with Incubus!

Yesterday : Sunrise from my hotel room's balcony.

Today : Morning View of my desk.

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I fear it’s all too easy to be all motivated when you can’t actually get on with the doing, but perhaps writing down my motivation will spur me into following thought when I’m better!
This morning I woke up feeling horrible, and realized dragging myself to work was a sure way of feeling horrible for the rest of the week. Hopefully another day of rest will mean I can better cope with the rest of the week, recover and be fit for my weekend!
Later, I am going to try to finish my paper work, even if imperfectly, just to move on. I suspect there will be little progress made post-work this week, and none at all while I’m away, but so be it. My holiday week will give me lots of study time, and I still hope to meet the now rather ambitious goal of finishing the whole paper. By then I’ll have the old stuff out of the way will be a fantastic help.
Grand ideas. I want to live this life that I want, instead of fighting it into an exhausting struggle and ending up flat out for a week.
But first, to be healthy!

*both pictures were taken by my Nokia mobile.

Independence Day Eve

Frankly, I m not in the best of elements today on the ‘eve’ of Independence Day? Well! Nothing personal, but the times and space we are living in make me feel not too optimistic at all. But this is what it is…good or bad! I may have to rethink my own independence. I am allowing myself to love things I used to love without letting the energy associated with these past experiences to - well screw everything up. It might not be about erasing everything and starting again - fresh, new, untouched. It might be about allowing in all the stuff I really really loved but lost along the way. I may be a more independent better person because I have been touched - in a good, or not so good way. Because I have, in my life struggled through crowds of people to see, just once a year a bright sparkle promise in the sky. And now it seems less like a promise and more like a reminder, sparkling in of all places.

Happy Independence!

Hamstring Pull

Beautiful breezy evening and my kite flew gracefully as my two boys (17yo and 3yo) were kicking soccer ball around the yard. This 48yo man decided to join in – and after the third kick…. oucchhhhhhhhh….. I got myself a hamstring pull. The last time I had the pull was 10 years ago during tennis match. As I was flat on the grass, my 3yo bent down and asked “are you alright?” Of cause I was not alright and from my past experience it’ll take months to really heal. Well, now I'm limping and looking forward for a night with a couple of hot water bottles!

* pictures taken by Nikon camera.

Doing My Part.

Future Generation

Jalur Gemilang Against the Blue Malaysian Sky - Nokia pix.

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Freedom means right ways of discipline. Many misunderstand what freedom is with personal liberty. Freedom does not mean living as you like and causing trouble to others. Freedom is sacred. Never mix personal ego with freedom. Happy 50th Independence Day Malaysia!

Mowing and Responsibility

backyard explorer - Nikon pix.

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I just spent a whopping three hours out in the sun weeding, mowing the lawn, and generally digging around in the dirt. Yes, I did learn about responsibility and good, honest hard work, and why you should get a good education. I also learned about heat stroke, and that lawn mowers have different height settings based on how much work you want to do on any given week. In any case, the lawn looks really nice today and I was happy flying the kite too.

Why do I blog?

Why do I blog?
Is it to get feedback?
Is it to improve my skills?
Is it to pass on my message to the world?
Is it to share my creativity with one and all?
Is it to inspire and be inspired?
Is it to speak out my heart?
Is it to become a great poet one day?

Maybe, but the truth is
I want to be alive when I am no more
In the hearts of the people I want to live
I want my verses to magically sing
Through my blog I want to breath
And remain enduring for the million years to come

My Home Video

* video edited with Ulead

No Pain No Gain!

If one can keep going through endless changes in fashion and style then one must be doing something right. If you set out to travel from Arau to Jitra, then you will probably struggle manfully through the endless roadworks all the way, wondering as how much longer people are prepared to accept an endless changing in single lane on one of the north's busiest roads. Expect completion sometime in the next two years. Maybe.......

I am absorbing the pain - for the gain!

Hujan Keroncong

Hujan - Mukhsin OS...

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Mega mendung di angkasa
Hembusan bayu dingin terasa
gerimis berderai di merata
bagai mutiara
Rahmat dibawa bersama
Limpahannya meresap dijiwa
adakala bahgia terasa
meskipun duka nestapa
Tika hujan turun
sayup mendayu lagu keroncong
merdu irama dialun bersenandung
Hujan membasahi bumi
melahirkan keluhuran budi
mengeratkan perpaduan suci
kasih sayang abadi

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I've Learned

view from my window

I've learned that we don't have to change friends if we understand that friends change.

I've learned that no matter how good a friend is, they're going to hurt you every once in a while and you must forgive them for that.

I've learned that true friendship continues to grow, even over the longest distance. The same goes for true love.

I've learned that you can do something in an instant that will give you heartache for life.

I've learned that it's taking me a long time to become the person I want to be.

I've learned that you should always leave loved ones with loving words. It may be the last time you see them.

I've learned that you can keep going long after you can't.

I've learned that we are responsible for what we do, no matter how we feel.

I've learned that either you control your attitude or it controls you.

I've learned that regardless of how hot and steamy a relationship is at first, the passion fades and there had better be something else to take its place.

I've learned that heroes are the people who do what has to be done when it needs to be done, regardless of the consequences.

I've learned that money is a lousy way of keeping score.

I've learned that my best friend and I can do anything or nothing and have the best time.

I've learned that sometimes the people you expect to kick you when you're down, will be the ones to help you get back up.

I've learned that sometimes when I'm angry I have the right to be angry, but that doesn't give me the right to be cruel.

I've learned that just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have.

I've learned that maturity has more to do with what types of experiences you've had and what you've learned from them, and less to do with how many years you have lived.

I've learned that it isn't always enough to be forgiven by others. Sometimes you have to learn to forgive yourself.

I've learned that no matter how bad your heart is broken the world doesn't stop for your grief.

I've learned that our background and circumstances may have influenced who we are, but we are responsible for who we become.

I've learned that just because two people argue, it doesn't mean they don't love each other And just because they don't argue, it doesn't mean they do love each other.

I've learned that you shouldn't be so eager to find out a secret. It could change your life forever.

I've learned that two people can look at the same thing and see something totally different.

I've learned that your life can be changed in a matter of hours by people who don't even know you.

I've learned that even when you think you have no more to give, when a friend cries out to you you will find the strength to help.

I've learned that credentials on the wall do not make you a decent human being.

I've learned that the people you care about most in life are sometimes taken from you too soon.

Bad Day

There are days when I feel like no matter how much resolve I show, there’s just something wrong with how I’m approaching things that’s preventing me from succeeding, and I can’t tell you for the life of me what that something is. It seems like everyone around me is experiencing vocational and social success that manages to elude me. Today is the day where very little is accomplished..

Raining on my parade

National Symbol

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Every year since I've lived in Kodiang (again), I've planted trees and plants. I can't say I've been very successful at it. But I can say, that each year I've been more successful the year before. The soil here has a lot of clay in it and you had to have just the right moisture level in order to be able to pull weeds because the soil would turn to stone when it got dry and you'd just pull the tops off. Now it is raining, and the planting season is here again.

Even with permission to quit and a history of failure, I still seem to have the itch to plant trees around the yard. I had thought I might still plant this year, just on a smaller scale. Last weekend, I started going through what I might plant and actually mapping out a garden plan. I know, revolutionary idea. Usually I just go out there when I get around to it and start planting things, and then I have problems like lime tree right next to the barn and grew over the roof. So, for this month of the year I’ve planted mangoes, lime and oranges while Sharina was busy with her decorative plants and shrubs.

Water Blues!

The theme of the World Day for Water, 22 March 2007: “Coping with water scarcity”. Here in Kodiang and the vicinity, the water is scarce indeed – in fact it has been very scarce since the morning of 24th. This definitely helps with the campaign and undoubtedly helps better appreciation of water scarceness among the people living in the area.

After an exhausting Saturday morning, the only thing on my mind was a cool shower. Unfortunately, the faucet produces nothing but a few futile squeaks. Furious, I was looking for an explanation. To my bewilderment. “But didn't I know,” - , “this isn't a problem with the house. There are water problems in the entire region.” I sighed, wondering how am I going to flush the toilet.

Our water generally comes straight out of our taps. I turned a tap on and get as much water as I like. Water is that dull stuff that I would generally heat up to make more interesting drinks like tea or coffee, or use as a base ingredient for cordials for the kids. Water is that dull stuff I boil vegetables in or use, heated again, to wash up dishes or clothes. It is that stuff I bathe in every morning. Something I don't even really think about.

And now.... I am thinking about it!

Simple Calculation

Question of calculation:

Dear Parent: In your home, is the figure A or B higher?:

A: The combined diagonal inches of television screen(s);

B: The total linear feet of filled bookshelf space.

If A is higher than B, that's not good. If B is higher than A, there's a pretty good chance your kid is doing well in school.

Stooooooooooooooooooopid!

OK, I'm angry.

All the stupid people just go around having babies whenever they want, or when they don't want, or whatever, because they're too stupid to think that maybe they should use birth control, or a condom, or wait to have sex. Some of these stupid people then go on to kill the baby, also known as "terminating" or "aborting" the "unwanted pregnancy". Nice clinical words there. Also nice that the baby doesn't get a say. That the baby, who has been conceived and is alive and would have grown into a person--was already a person--has his or her life snuffed out without ever even getting a chance to live. All because the stupid parents found it "inconvenient". "Yeah, sorry, you being alive really cramps my style, so I'm gonna have to kill you. No hard feelings?"

Then there are the stupid parents who decide "Gee, having a baby is neat! It's just like having a doggie!" But after the reality sets in, instead of doing the responsible thing and letting someone else take the children, they keep them. "They're my children! Just like my TV and my stereo! You can't take my stuff!" And so these stupid parents just "try to live with those annoying brats," neglecting, abusing, and toying with their children as though they were pets or playthings. Yeah, that's fantastic. Good job, assholes.

ATTENTION STUPID PEOPLE: A CHILD IS NOT A TOY. A CHILD IS A PERSON. IF YOU CAN'T DEAL WITH THAT, THEN DON'T HAVE ONE. IF YOU ARE STUPID ENOUGH TO GET PREGNANT, DON'T TRY TO AVOID YOUR RESPONSIBILITY BY KILLING THE EVIDENCE OF YOUR STUPIDITY. GIVE THE CHILD TO SOMEONE WHO ISN'T STUPID. K? K.

Getting What You Want Vs Wanting What You Get

We are always aiming to achieve more. We believe that once we have reached a certain quota, we would have established the amount that would make us happy enough.

The truth is, if you cannot appreciate what you have in this moment, you won’t be able to appreciate anything else, because even if you have one million in your account, you will need two million to be happy. And on and on and on. Having a sense of direction is really having a goal. The difference is, our actions are more geared towards self expression as opposed to personal acquisition.

As for me - I really, really want what I am getting.

I'm alive!

Today, I'm in the midst my fifth decade and I have all my teeth except one. When I laugh, the lines on my face add character and that character is not Richard Gere’s. I have an ass that gravity has not pulled below the back of my knees. Half a breath is all it takes to hold in my stomach. And though my hair is slowly eroding, I can still use my muscular chest as a distraction.

Today, I have a job that I do well and I don't hate. Sometimes, there are people who make it unpleasant, but by and large, that is infrequent and quickly over. When I get home from work, I can forget totally about it.

Today I still have my mother, a grandfather and two grandmothers who are elderly but young enough to fret about being called "seniors." When I visit them, they are healthy enough to complain of their various little ailments, which I commiserate with them about. They have not resigned themselves to the inevitable decline, but still harbour hope.

Today I am in love. I am in love with my wife, my life and my family around me.

Today, I am writing this post, which my friends around the world will be reading.

Today I am alive, right now, key by key, letter by letter. These are my marks in the world. This is my pee in the alley behind the dumpster, my scrawl in a toilet wall: FOR A GOOD TIME CALL ME AT 773-555-1212.

You, who are me tomorrow, a week or twenty years from now--I don't know where you are, whether you're lonely, unemployed or sick in bed, or whatever--there were days when you were happy, this being one of them.

Remember that there was a day like today.

Dynamic Equilibrium

In chemistry, there is a concept known as dynamic equilibrium. Dynamic equilibrium is a state where a chemical reaction looks like it is not changing, but really the chemicals are coming together and breaking apart at such a close rate that it looks like nothing changes. Personality is this way. Temperament is a form of personality that is dynamic, meaning that it changes as events and situations change. These shifts are often in opposition to one another, so it appears static or at equilibrium.

In chemistry, the theory of dynamic equilibrium was defined with Le Chatelier’s principle which stated that if a dynamic equilibrium is disturbed by changing the conditions, the position of equilibrium moves to counteract the change. No overall change is observed. The temperament of character follows the same principle. By nature, our personality finds a comfortable zone, and is vibrantly habitual from that point forward. The realization of this leaves us opened to embracing both the positive and the negative; and gives us a tool for change.

Basically, there are just some things about our personalities which we cannot change. We are who we are. But if we understand that most of our lives we react in opposition and that we have a choice to use that to our advantage- use our natural reaction to find stability in our lives- then we gain control.

Boasters

“Children are great boasters, because they feel tiny and insecure, because the great world towers above them; and anyone who grows up so completely that he grows out of boasting will have a lot of adjustments to make before he is fit for the Kingdom of Heaven."

Those words were written by John D. Sheridan more than fifty years ago. And I don't know about you, but I could do with taking another look at them. Because my attitude to those who boast is one of intolerance; intolerance without giving a thought to the fact that my prejudice might be contributing to the collapse of the only world that person has. By living around of those modest self effacing people who don't boast, I'm only taking the easy option. I am rejecting those who lack confidence and/or self esteem and who need that little ego boost which boasting obviously gives them. Maybe I can excuse myself somewhat on the rounds that I grew up in an era when the majority agreed that "People ought to be modester".

I'm not suggesting that those few words are going to change your attitude to boasters, but they might do something for me. So the next time someone says to me "My son the engineer is coming home." or "I had terrible trouble parking my new four wheel drive outside the Yawata", even if I am still intolerant of them, wouldn't it be nice if I could give them an ear?

Its so freakin hot and humid here....

There's a front coming in here today. No wonder I still feel groggy after a red bull. I may need to pop a decongestant though. My ears are bugging the heck out of me today.

Can’t help myself rewriting California Dreaming.

_____________________________________________

::Coolermania dreaming::

california dreamin...

all the leaves are brown and the ground is grey
i've been for a walk on a blisters day

I'd be save and cool if I was in CA

Coolermania dreaming on such a blisters day

stepped into a crush I passed along the way

well, I got down on my knees and I pretended to pray

you know the keeper likes the heat

he knows I'm gonna stay
Coolermania dreaming on such a blisters day

flute…..

all the leaves are brown and the ground is grey
i've been for a walk on a blisters day

if I didn't tell her I could leave today
Coolermania dreaming on such a blisters day

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My Answers

going somewhere?

Two parts of your heritage:

Melayu
And... erm... Malay

Two things that scare you:

George Bush

And George Bush

Two everyday essentials:

PM (green)

Nescafe 3 in 1 Regular

Two things you are wearing right now:

My reading glasses
My boxers

Two of your favorite current bands/artists

Anything aired on Virgin Radio
Keane

Two things you want in a relationship (other than love):

Large bank account *
Big house with fancy roadster *

Two things you have to do this week:

Work!
Mow my lawn

Two stores you shop at:

RMTeam
eBay

Two shows you like to watch:

Ed (love it!)
2.5 Men

Two things you'd buy if money were no object:

A private jet so I could go anywhere I wanted
A house in Notting Hill

Two wishes for 2007:

A smooth pilgrimage to Mecca
Some success in writing

*Kidding

They say....

loaded

They say that for a new beginning, an end must come. They say that people fear what they do not understand. They say that character is built through making difficult decisions. Something that I have yet to understand, however, is why people judge before becoming fully informed. I understand that fear, jealousy, and envy may play a part in that thinking process. But, in the times we live in, you would think that the "judging a book by the cover" era was near an abrupt end. With information at our fingertips, what does one use as an excuse for being misinformed or not informed altogether? The answer, everyone, is ignorance.

I am embarking on a new adventure in my life. A change was made. And I have openly accepted it. I have embarked upon the adventure as if it were what was in my hand the entire time. So far, the experience has been a welcome change for yours truly. And, I quite frankly can't remember a time when I've been happier and more self-content with my life. But, with the good, you must accept the bad. For every positive there must be a negative. A healthy balance of positives and negatives must exist to provide your life with a healthy dose of variety.

This is why, when realizing one of the few negatives that has came to fruition in my new adventure, I did not fret for long. As I realized that wherever one may go there will always be something you don't agree with, a food you dislike, a person who you do not see eye-to-eye with, and things you'll just never understand. It's not a matter of opinion. It's fact. The best thing to do is to accept it and move on as quick as possible. For me, a dose of negative publicity has been thrown my way. However, not directly, and very much indirectly. It's purpose is to paint a nasty portrait of the individual and to spread lies.

I have learned, however, in the past several years that truth conquers all. And where lies darken, truth enlightens; where lies hurt, truth heals; where lies trap, the truth sets one free. So, the mature and most effective way of handling a situation where another is spreading lies about you, I encourage you to not retaliate with anger, hatred and lies, but with joy, love and truth. For it is the one who says nothing but the truth who wins the war. Regardless of right or wrong…the truth is always the best tool to win a war of words, personality clashes, and ego conflicts.

The next time you hear something untrue about yourself, don't give it the time of day. You have better things to do! Go re-arrange your sock drawer, watch paint dry, or stare at a blank wall…and I promise that's time better well spent than on worrying about an untrue, harmful, negative statement. Don't let the actions of others dictate who you go through life being. If you stop to think about what others think about you, you won't have enough time in the day to think about anything else.